I am the heart

As the unforgiving winter wind violently blows against the window, all I hear is the sound it makes and all I feel is the unapologetic effects of its coldness against my soft skin. Standing next to the bedroom window in the supossed safety of this house looking out the glass that separates me from the brutality of this weather, it all hits home. Like a home run, the ball has rolled this way. As if there is an audience awaiting for the pin to drop. And as if on que, the warm tears start to trickle down my cold rosy cheek. The sadness cannot be hiden any longer. The smile can no longer hold its pretence.

My body is housed yet I am not feeling at home. I am protected from the coldness of the world, yet so vulnerable to it. The thin line between me and the coldness of the world is nothing less that a fragile wall made of glass. I am at the mercy of the outside influences invited to this house that is my being by the lovingness that is ME. Like the seasons that come and go, I am past my summer and am at the winter of my life. The joys and carefreeness that came with the summer warmth have faded and I am left with the cold and uninviting and uncaringness that is winter.

I am my heart. Taken from the comfort of the protectiveness that is the ribs and flesh, I am now worn on the sleaves of my owner. I am exposed. The winter breeze whizes past and slowly peels off the cover that protects me from all that is worldly and unkind. I am the heart that has allowed love to destroy me through my naivety. I bleed but only internally as I absorb all traces lest there be audiences to witness my failure in being strong.

Yet, I hold no grudges as I know, my summer will come! I will be warm again.

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The Side Dish

aplomboftherandoms

The realness of this girl is too much in your face. She cannot be ignored as everybody knows she is in all households. She is worse than hurricane Kathrina. She comes in, destroys all trust you might have had on your partner, her existence WILL not be ignored, hers is to share what you once saw as your own.When you know she’s in your turf, you try everything in your power to stop her in her tracks, I’m talking getting your man to say he loves you when you call him 10times in a 2 hr space to prove she’s not in the background, while we all know he says “I Love You” back whilst looking into her eyes and she smiling at your attempt to get noticed. When she enters your man’s world, you become “that nag”, “the irritation” etc, your man will stop seeing you as nothing more that the…

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The Side Dish

The realness of this girl is too much in your face. She cannot be ignored as everybody knows she is in all households. She is worse than hurricane Kathrina. She comes in, destroys all trust you might have had on your partner, her existence WILL not be ignored, hers is to share what you once saw as your own.When you know she’s in your turf, you try everything in your power to stop her in her tracks, I’m talking getting your man to say he loves you when you call him 10times in a 2 hr space to prove she’s not in the background, while we all know he says “I Love You” back whilst looking into her eyes and she smiling at your attempt to get noticed. When she enters your man’s world, you become “that nag”, “the irritation” etc, your man will stop seeing you as nothing more that the a fixture in his life! She keeps herself prim and proper for your man while you are too preoccupied with running the home as a good partner should. It’s not your fault she exists, nor is it hers as she was also sold dreams by your boo.

However, she knows her place, she will NEVER step out of line to try prove anything to you. She sits there and wishes she had the powers to make him see her the way he sees you, for him to feel like he has a certain obligation to love her beyond the trophy and sex provider that she is. She wishes she was not reminded to put on her earings before leaving his house in the morning, lest you arrive and see such nonsense. She wishes that when he calls her babe it could be because he means it instead of it being because he could have possibly forgotten her name in the heat of the moment since she holds no standing value in his life.  She knows she is a space filler. She secretly wishes she was more than what she is! She knows she is not allowed to show too much emotions. Everytime she leaves your man’s house, she cries in her car on her way home, for she knows she deserves better. She knows that she is causing hurt to another woman and she knows she should let him go, but she can’t because she loves YOUR man. 

Yes, nobody will ever understand this girl, but she could be anyone of us. Yes, what she’s about is all wrong, but if she could, she also would not be in this situation. Yes, you will cry when you find out about her, but her pain is relived every holiday when she has to spend it alone and considers herself lucky if she so much as gets a “happy holiday” sms. Yes, you might think your man prefers her over you when it comes to most things, but all she wants is what you already have, his full commitment. This girl most possibly never wanted to be a side dish, but things have a way of happening! I have been in this girl’s shoes and it is not a choice one makes. No tears are more salty and sting more than those of a sidechick! 

 

Maybe Later

I started a project this year, I call it project B and it is a huge step towards securing a perfect family life that I always dreamt of, but I just don’t have time for all the tests and stuff!

I have 2 assignments to do and they are both due in 8days’ time. Yes I have been counting the days I still have left before the due date

I open my study guides at least 3 times a day, and each day I have closed them with no more knowledge than I had before opening them

I plan to get distinctions on all my subjects this year, it is my final year in university you see! To get the distinctions I need to dedicate all my spare time to my books

I need to make a call to my mother, to find out how everyone has been keeping, but each time I pick up the phone something needs my urgent attention

I have an ongoing blog documenting the life of my prisoner friend, I had told myself that I will update it on a weekly basis since I have done all the interviews so I do have enough material to produce good enough posts

I have a trip planned, this trip should have happened in December 2013, I need to go to Giyani to go see my paternal family as a matter of urgency. But the money just can’t seem to come together. Granted petrol is expensive, but I do drive a very economic car.

The house needs some serious spring cleaning, it has been a while since the walls and inside of the cupboards got a good scrubbing 

I need to spend some time with my little sister

My maternal grandma wants me to come spend a weekend at least with her, I want to do it too

 

All these thing need my attention. I know I must attend to them and I will

BUT not right now, Maybe later! 

I know he didn’t!

So I was invited by a male “friend” recently to come over and “chill” at his friends’ house. And I was cool with that, I was down neh, coz I mean that just meant I was gonna have free wine and did not have to cook that day because it goes without saying that there will always be free food. Look I like free things, I live for free stuff even….so when he started telling me about this whole thing I immediately started thinking that my groceries will last at least a day longer than budgeted for; LOL I’m THAT girl! All was good, and I started thinking of what outfit to wear, whether or not to wear make up, etc… AND THEN he said it. He said “bring a friend”. Oh no he didn’t!!!!!!!!!!

 

Haybo! WTF did he mean I must bring a friend? Like, was he not my friend? Bring a friend for what? I felt dirty! For anyone who might think that was an overreaction, you must understand that I’m a grown ass woman who’s got most of her shit together, so when a person approaches me I damn well expect them to act right. When I was in high school and early twenties we travelled in packs but now that am old, I know I don’t need backup so that niggah was trynna test my TITSOMETER! So I was like, “honey, lemme call you back”. Dropped the phone, took a deep breath and thought about it long and hard! And when I was calm(er), I texted him! Yeah, since he wanted to act like a child, I was gonna play his way. “I don’t think me and my friend wanna chill with you and your friend” is what I said. He did not understand why. SMH

 

I would rather stay in my little matchbox than go out and become someone’s trophy. I’m imagining how that whole thing might have come about. like, were they bored and decided than they needed to arrange girls? Did they then go through their contact lists to see who they could invite? Was I the only one approached or was I 1 of …? Ay… And now I get curious as to what would have then happened when we got there. MXM I can only SMH at the things boys do!

Haak Limpopo, Giyani

So the time has arrived. The time to go back to my home village, aka Magheva wa Dzumeri. It has been years, nearly a decade, even, since I last set foot there and I must say, I am very nervous. Not a bad nervous, a very excited nervous. And the memories, uuuh the memories keep coming back and they’re flooding my thinking. I have such happy memories, good memories, you know. The only happy childhood memories I have are from when I was that much young, carefree and living in the village. Ohhh the freedom that was life. The innocence that was in me…. 

 

The memories of when life was all about waking up and doing your chores so quick (and badly, I mean what 10 year old will wash the dishes clean in place of going out to play umgusha) that before the grown-ups knew what was up we were already in the streets running around, playing all sorts of games that would last the whole day. I don’t ever remember going home in the evening unless I was being promised a hiding or unless one of my cousins came looking for me. And getting me to go home and eat was always a drag. Come to think of it, I don’t remember eating to enjoy, just eating finish so I could go play! Unless my daddy was home because then you bet I would be by his side until he left for Jozi.When playing in the streets was the FAD, we owned the streets, even cars had to wait for US to move our toys out of the way so they could pass. Like, if you were not in the streets playing by 10:00 am we would come fetch you. The cheek we had. Like we would be on some: “let’s go fetch Sarah” and we would all march and come wait at your house so you would hurry and finish your chores so we could all go play! We meant business, cuzz!

Tjo, and then when there were visitors they would make us; run after and; catch chickens for the visitor as their special treat (I must say I did not like the greedy uncles who never left enough chicken for us. I mean it’s the least a person can do especially after all that running in the sun; Limpopo is not the coldest of places, the sun is pretty close tot he earth)… That was fun, I can promise you that’s when you learn how to strategise because chickens are fast runners and you can’t just “catch” one! We had livestock back then and I hope now that I’m grown, I will have the kids chasing after a chicken for me! And I hope they let me use the visitors’ plates and cups!

 

I am soooo excited. I’m gonna be reunited with my tale-telling elders. I look forward to the conversations in the evening. Most of all, i look forward to the love. The family love, The unity that is my people and I look forward to parking the car and walking around and I do plan to go visit as many relatives as possible. I look forward to all  the gifts I will have to bring with me. Gifts are my people’s way of showing love.

And No, I will not bring any mangoes, avocado’s, etc for anybody!  

Poetic cheers

When we first hooked up, I was the angel in your eyes.
When you held me, even by the tips of your fingers, blood drained from all the veins and rushed to pump up my heart beat
The spark you brought to my eyes was equal to none the diamond ever discovered
The names you called me sounded like a hot knife through a brick of butter, your voice was velvety smooth even when all you did was sigh out loud
Your smell was heavenly, even the sweat of the long days you’ve had were well received in my nasals
You were my Romeo and I was your Juliet
You kept saying that you loved me, this made me melt. It was a LIE!

BUT NOW:
The thought of you makes me wanna commit a violent crime, not because I hate you, but because I can’t stand to think about you
Your perfume has got me feeling morning sickness vibes, I cannot stand any other man who’s smell resembles yours
I know that you were lieing to me, I feel the fool and wish I could have opened my eyes earlier
Everytime my phone rings and it is you all I wanna do is scream, but my politeness lets me be civil and act blind to your games
I think I hate you! I know it’s wrong as I also still love you

I Wish:
My heart could just chill with all this dumbness of just falling nje! look now!
I could walk away from this
I could gather enough courage to close this chapter
I would have been strong enough to ignore my heart when I first saw you
I did not even lay my eyes on you
That one day, I will ignore that call, delete you off my timeline and have you join the que of my exes
My heart would stop falling for your kind……

I need you to know:
You are still a fantastic person and had we become friends instead of lovers I would have gotten a chance to explore that
I will not be your sex buddy
Your chapter in my book is nearly closed, just dong final moderations
You do not owe me anything, no explanations, no nothing!